When We Disappear

I recently worked with participants processing experiences of racism in the workplace, and here’s something I noticed we - myself included - do in such uncomfortable situations:

We make ourselves disappear.

  • When we over-function to prove our worth and competence, we disappear.

  • When we contort and shrink our bodies to brush off an inappropriate comment, we disappear.

  • When we stand in the corner of the room at an event to scan bodies and stares we disappear.

  • When we trap our anger in our breath to avoid being ‘confrontational’ or ‘difficult’, we disappear.

When I disappear - for the comfort of the other - they remain fully intact,
while I’m now left to tend to my body and the harm that has landed upon it yet again. 


What can grow for us when we:

  • Stop apologising for the discomfort felt by the other when we bring up our own truth? 

  • Walk a little slower and more fully in our bodies to reclaim space, time and energy because: we deserve to be here.

  • Reflect the burden back to the other person for them to self-educate and do better - rather than us always reconfiguring ourselves?

The Penis-to-Coral Mechanism

Art making can reveal our plainest habits in the most unanticipated of ways.


A participant was working with clay, wringing it into a form softer than the chunk I provided, only to find it moulding into a cylindrical shape. 'It reminded me of a penis!’ she said with surprise, ‘So I tore it into smaller pieces and rebuilt it into what now looks like a coral.'

Now, I doubt this means her pattern is to contemplate cutting actual penises into smaller pieces. Hmm, perhaps I should've asked.. 🙄

BUT after sharing her process and a few laughs with the group, I asked if it meant something to her that as soon she sensed the discomfort - that came about after the object was interpreted as 'penis' - she deconstructed and reshaped the entire thing.

What triggered the discomfort? What does 'penis' represent? What if we just called it 'cylinder shape'? Is 'coral' a better option? Is it even about Penis vs Coral or is it about something else, like the social aspect of presenting a penis shaped object to a group you haven't met before?

Either way, either choice - to stay with or to transform the moment - was rich with meaning and carried importance to what she needed in that instant.

The ending artwork is hardly the only point where information lives. The WHOLE process - the interpretations we project, the choices made, the physical and emotional qualities held in each moment, the environment you’re in. THAT is where we get a snapshot of how you are in certain moments.

Everything I noticed was only a slice of my experiencing this participant. But to me, the Penis to Coral strategy- I’m gonna call it that for a while - represented something we all do: Quickly changing a moment/situation into a more bearable one before studying it fully. It applies to moments beyond the clay, in relationships, in work, in self-talk and so on.

And heck, don't we all use that strategy one way or another.